Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I fill condoms, not promises.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
