every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
