Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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