brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
