Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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