M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
