Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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