she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
