I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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