If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the day after is always just damage control
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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