Im at strip club and am horny
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
