yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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