the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize