I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
