Your dad touched me again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
