Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize