I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize