Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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