Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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