i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
