I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
