what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
