woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
