This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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