You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
