it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
