last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
how does that bad decision feel?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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