eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
