census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
