I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
