Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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