i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
