Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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