..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i believe in u and ur pee
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
