I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
