Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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