you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
