Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
