As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
