look no pants
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
