Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize