I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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