He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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