I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
