Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
