it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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