I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
