I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We had to coat check the pizza.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
