oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
