please come you make the beer taste better
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
