____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
