Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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