you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
