Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
