a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
