I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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