Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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