why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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