Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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