If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
