My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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