shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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