I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
