I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
