I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
