I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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