My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
