textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
